Why Mummy Doesn't Give a ****! by Gill Sims

Author:Gill Sims
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2019-03-17T14:05:57+00:00

Saturday, 21 July

Simon was still here when I woke up. It was strange, waking up next to him again – both completely familiar and at the same time totally awkward. What’s the protocol for accidently shagging your ex-husband? Given they’ve seen two human heads emerge from your fanny, is it OK to still fart in bed like you used to? Or does one have to return to the niceties one observes with a new partner, and pretend one does not fart because one is a lady?

We got up and made breakfast. Simon was delighted to find that he didn’t have to chip three-year-old Nescafé out the jar, because in deference to Hannah’s secret coffee binges I’d invested in a cafetière and some proper coffee. We sat at the kitchen table and made small talk, which wasn’t as awkward as I thought it might be, and it was nice having someone to talk to over breakfast apart from the dogs.

‘You know,’ said Simon, looking round my kitchen, ‘it wouldn’t take much to extend this, make it into a big kitchen/family room and put a shower room off the utility room. Give you all a bit more space.’

‘Yes, I know,’ I said, my good will towards him starting to wane as he immediately began to interfere in my life again. ‘That is actually my plan. It’s just a matter of finding the time, not to mention the money.’

‘Well, I could draw up the plans for you,’ he suggested. ‘I AM an architect, after all. What’s the point in paying someone else to do it, when I could do it for free? And I could probably get you a decent deal with one of the builders we use through work.’

‘Why would you do that?’ I said in confusion. ‘Is this some roundabout way of paying for sex? It’s really not necessary.’

‘NO!’ said Simon. ‘I’d do it because it would be a nice thing to do for you, and for our children. I still care about you very much you know, Ellen.’ He put his hand over mine. I made a non-committal noise, and pulled it away and then went pink as my phone chimed with a text from Jack.

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